Jan. 3, 2013: Going Back

new year

I’ve been counting down the days in my head, not reminding the boys of when they will go back to school. Today was the day. The break was nice. It was calm and relaxed, without plans or people to meet or deadlines. It snowed. Twice. We played with our neighbors in the snow, went sledding, played too much Wii, and watched too much TV. This is my idea of a true break-just being together and regrouping.

Everyone likes school, but there are days when going is hard, especially after a two week brain vacation. Both kids were a little sad, and admittedly, I was too. I like having them near me, even if it means that I work while they entertain themselves. Yes, they fight. Their relationship is not perfect, but a good majority of the time, they fill the part of brother and best friend-something that they only understand. I enjoy watching them together, hoping to myself that their relationship will always be this strong.

I reminded them (and myself) that it was a two day week and the weekend would be here before they knew it. I took them to their classrooms and left, alone.

And I felt very alone.

I came home and began to work, and the “what ifs” began creeping in. Something I hadn’t felt since…the last time I took them to school and felt, for the first time, doubt that they are safe. And this feeling of helplessness totally sucks.

But, I have to trust. I have to trust myself and my husband, that we can make good decisions for our children. That we will surround them with people that are also looking out for them and will protect them as if they were their own. That bad things still happen, despite every single thing we do to prevent it. But we also have to live-and not a life in fear of the “what ifs”. The best thing we can do, in the face of bad, is continue to LIVE.

About Laura

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit." -e.e. cummings
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